Puppy blues - need reassurance!

Hi everyone,

I am new to the site, I joined as I am desperate and need some advice on my specific situation. We adopted a 5 month old rescue puppy from Romania just over a week ago (straight off the truck) and ever since I have been feeling awful - crying a lot and not feeling affection toward the dog at all (which has surprised me as I am animal lover and he was very much wanted). I work from home so I am literally with him from the moment he wakes up and my other half works shift work, meaning he is only really around for about 3 days a week and a couple of evenings (he works nights as well so not only is he not here on those nights he is asleep most of the next day).

This is the first dog I have owned and I am just feeling very overwhelmed - my main concern is separation anxiety as I do not want a life where I can not leave a dog behind for a few hours at a time and feel that being at home most of the time is going to mean he becomes more attached. I do occasionally have to commute to London for work or travel and at the moment I just can not see how that can work. I have been trying to leave him on his own for short amounts of time and if he is asleep then it tends to be ok, but if he is awake he howls and barks and chews things up (all during just 10 minutes). Then when I come back in (when he has calmed down) he just barks at me (which I ignore and only speak to him when he is calm). I have all the tips and tricks but reading them and executing them are 2 very different things. He does walk off around the house when I am in the living room so he is ok leaving me but not sure if that is a good sign or if he is just happy to do that because he knows I am home. One positive is that I was popping out for half an hour a few days ago and when I went to get him ready he took himself off to his crate so I just locked him in there and he was fine when I left (about 5 minutes later) and fine when I got back but I feel that might have been a fluke (because obviously I am being a negative nelly at the moment).

I walk him first thing in the morning, at lunch and in the evening (all short walks for now) but he is not that great at it and seems to be scared of the world. When at home he has these moments of energy where he attaches himself to my legs and bites me which really hurts! I try to ignore it and distract him with something else but with the way I am feeling I am struggling to have any patience.

At night he sleeps in a crate in our room, and he is pretty good at that - I am getting another crate delivered today for the living room so that I can start crate training him down here in the hope that he will eventually be ok to leave down here when we need to go out or overnight - I have family who would love to look after him from time to time but I need him to be able to get through the night on his own - the two times we have tried it he howled for 2 hours and only stopped when my OH got up and slept next to him. We tried to ignore him but he was practically screaming and there was no sign he was going to stop.

I apologise for the long post, but I feel like an awful person and need to vent - my friends and family think I am being stupid as they only see him when he is being fun or calm, they don't have to deal with him constantly. They say 'he is just a puppy, it will be fine' which is probably true but they haven't been in this situation. He isn't even being naughty, just a typical pup but I just feel like my life is over and I can see no light at the end of the tunnel. I have arranged for a dog trainer to come here for an hour and have signed him up to their training classes but with it being Christmas that is not happening until mid January.

Does the age make a difference? Would it be easier with a tiny pup who has no previous life experience? I have no idea what his life was like before he came here only that he was in a foster home for a couple of months.

Has anyone been through anything like this before? Do you think a crate downstairs will help being able to leave him on his own? I appreciate any tips or similar stories in advance.

Thanks!

and breathe.......

Firstly puppy blues are normal.
Second with a pup like yours there are bound to be adjustment issues that need time.
I would get in touch with the agency and ask if they have any idea what his routine was like with the foster family. That might give you some clues.

With any rescue dog they will need time to adjust and they will have some baggage, Remy used to panic if we took his collar off. (I think his owner did that before they dumped him) Benny was terrified of water (his owner threw him in a canal) Oscar hated older men in clogs ( he lived on a small rural farm type place and was beaten and kicked) So each one had their reasons for their behaviour. Once you can place the behaviour you can work to help them with it and by signing up to classes you have taken a positive step in getting your pup used to his new life and what 'normal 'dog life is like.

Mad Murphy said:

I would get in touch with the agency and ask if they have any idea what his routine was like with the foster family. That might give you some clues.

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Thank you I have messaged them - I had thought about that but I didn't want them to think I am not coping.

I am sorry to hear about your dogs bad experiences, people can be so cruel .

van84 said:

Thank you I have messaged them - I had thought about that but I didn't want them to think I am not coping.

I am sorry to hear about your dogs bad experiences, people can be so cruel .

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Dont worry about them thinking youre not coping its a big thing youre doing. Remy went through 3 other homes who couldnt cope with him before we decided he had to stay with us and I was the only one who ever really 'got 'him.

My neighbour once asked why we didnt just buy a pup as then it would be perfect...
Well we now have Murphy who came from a loving breeder who Im still in touch with and who ahs never had anything but the best yet I found myself hiding upstairs from him, with my hands bleeding and bitten, crying my eyes out when he was about 5 months because he had decided I was his favoutite chew toy.!
Its not wrong to admit youre having the blues its perfectly normal. and most of us can say 'been there, done that, got the tshirt'...and survived it !

Oh we've all been there! Bitten, miserable, why-oh-why?
Firstly any change to your life (good, bad or not-sure) takes huge adjustments. A new job, new house (or with my poor sister a second baby!) can knock you off kilter. By all means ask your rescue for help. I've volunteered for dog rescue/rehoming for many years and been back to some new homes so often the neighbours started nodding to me.

The biting will stop but anything you can give to bite instead of you is worth a try. Your puppy is teething. It can't help it. It does make them aggressive sometimes. Gums hurt gotta blame someone!

Don't despair. Do talk this over with your rescue. Our delinquent horror can now be accepted at boarding kennels or safely walked by our teenage neighbour. Which means he's not a tie. We NEVER thought we'd get there.

merlina said:

Oh we've all been there! Bitten, miserable, why-oh-why?
Firstly any change to your life (good, bad or not-sure) takes huge adjustments. A new job, new house (or with my poor sister a second baby!) can knock you off kilter. By all means ask your rescue for help. I've volunteered for dog rescue/rehoming for many years and been back to some new homes so often the neighbours started nodding to me.

The biting will stop but anything you can give to bite instead of you is worth a try. Your puppy is teething. It can't help it. It does make them aggressive sometimes. Gums hurt gotta blame someone!

Don't despair. Do talk this over with your rescue. Our delinquent horror can now be accepted at boarding kennels or safely walked by our teenage neighbour. Which means he's not a tie. We NEVER thought we'd get there.

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Thanks, I have just had a chat with them and they said he was always been around other dogs but not always people (found on the streets, then kept outside then in a flat). They also recommended not locking him in a crate when going out but leaving him in the kitchen with the crate open and luckily I have a door gate being delivered today for the kitchen.

He has soooo many chew toys! Don't get me wrong, the biting is annoying but it is not my main concern at the moment. If we can get to the point where we can leave him in the house for short periods of time I will be happy, everything else I can cope with (I think!) .

It is such early days, for both of you but mostly, for him. It can take weeks or months for a dog to settle and come out of his shell if he's had a bad background.

For now, remove all stress from both of you. Don't leave him on his own unless you really have to - get family and friends to dogsit if necessary. You can only learn to be independent from a secure base, and he can't feel secure if you leave him when he's not ready. Don't push him on walks - if he doesn't want to go, let him turn back when he's had enough. Knowing that you won't make him face 'scary' things will help him develop the confidence to deal with them and make them less scary.

There's an excellent booklet on separation anxiety called I'll Be Home Soon by Patricial McConnell. It would be well worth you reading it.

Oh bless you, been there myself and I had a very well behaved pup ! We hadn’t had a puppy for 10 years and it was such a shock to have your life disrupted so much and feel that life was going to be like this forever....but it doesn’t, everything gets easier and you wonder why you were so upset at the time ( I was on G&T by lunchtime as I felt I couldn’t cope ) I laugh about it now but at the time I was feeling so inadequate because I couldn’t cope with a tiny puppy ! Have faith, it will get better

JudyN said:

For now, remove all stress from both of you. Don't leave him on his own unless you really have to - get family and friends to dogsit if necessary..

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Thank you, would this not encourage the anxiety? I haven't really tried to leave him alone properly so everything I am worried about is mostly in my head, I just thought that getting him used to short times on his own was the best? So much advice out there and some of it contradictory it's so hard to know what to do for the best!

Mayblossom said:

Oh bless you, been there myself and I had a very well behaved pup ! We hadn’t had a puppy for 10 years and it was such a shock to have your life disrupted so much and feel that life was going to be like this forever....but it doesn’t, everything gets easier and you wonder why you were so upset at the time ( I was on G&T by lunchtime as I felt I couldn’t cope ) I laugh about it now but at the time I was feeling so inadequate because I couldn’t cope with a tiny puppy ! Have faith, it will get better

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Thanks, I will get the vodka out that might help

van84 said:

I just thought that getting him used to short times on his own was the best?

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Yes, but he can only get used to short times if they're not really scary every time they happen. Basically, you work within his comfort zone. And the more relaxed he is when you start leaving him, the better it will go. I'm guessing that his general stress levels are still a little high at the moment - when something upsets a dog (a scary walk, you leaving him for long enough to howl, even if it was only 10 mins), those stress levels can remain high for several days.

It's good that he's happy to be in a different room in the house. Depending on where he is on the 'anxiety scales' you can start by, e.g., putting your shoes and coat on and picking up your keys, and then putting them down and not going anywhere. If he's not fussed at all, you can do the above, walk to the front door, and come back again. Work through opening and closing the front door, stepping outside, going out, closing the door behind you and coming back in, staying outside for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, a minute... You might be thinking 'Oh come on, he's not that bad,' but my dog as a puppy used to get upset if I just put my pen down when I was working (also from home) because he thought I might be going upstairs for a wee and he wasn't allowed upstairs.... He was a bit extreme, and it was a couple of years before I could reliably leave him for over an hour, but most dogs, with the slowly slowly approach, will get a lot further a lot faster.

It would be worth you recording him when you do leave him so you can hear if he was calm or not while you were out. Also, if he seems comfortable in his crate, do encourage him to see it as his safe place though I agree with the rescue that it's best not to shut him in.

And yes - the amount of conflicting advice on the internet really doesn't help, does it! I think you need to read everything, and don't follow anything religiously, but see what sits well with you and what seems to work best for your dog.

You'll get there, and the love will come too. There were several days my OH came home from work, asked how the pup had been and I'd burst into tears!

JudyN said:

Work through opening and closing the front door, stepping outside, going out, closing the door behind you and coming back in, staying outside for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, a minute... You might be thinking 'Oh come on, he's not that bad,' but my dog as a puppy used to get upset if I just put my pen down when I was working (also from home) because he thought I might be going upstairs for a wee and he wasn't allowed upstairs....

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I think he is that bad - today has not been fun, he went from fast asleep to whimpering because I went to put something in the bin

Thanks for the advice I will try it

I still say 'I'm just going to the bin' if I'm popping out very briefly. A few weeks ago, I went to collect a parcel from my neighbours. They do like to chat and eventually I said, 'I need to get back. I told Jasper I was just popping out to the bin.' The look on their faces!!

JudyN said:

I still say 'I'm just going to the bin' if I'm popping out very briefly. A few weeks ago, I went to collect a parcel from my neighbours. They do like to chat and eventually I said, 'I need to get back. I told Jasper I was just popping out to the bin.' The look on their faces!!

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they understand don't they (not mine as he is Romanian and I don't speak that )

The level of awful you feel is so common, don't worry. I had really bad puppy blues, and that's even though I have a very well-behaved and well-adjusted puppy, so what you're experiencing seems completely normal to me. You can do all the research in the world beforehand (which I did!) but no one really explains the emotional side of things and how bad it might make you may feel for a while!

I also really understand the feeling that your life is now over because you can't go anywhere. I got my puppy from 8 weeks old and it wasn't until about 6.5 months that she stopped crying and howling when I went out. I live on my own so I was thinking - have I given up my freedom!? She was also really sick in the car so I thought, wow, I really can't do anything now! But she's now 9 months and she is great in the car and doesn't cry or howl when I leave at all. And remember, that's a dog I've had from 8 weeks from a UK breeder, so if it took that long for me it's not surprising that it'll take a while longer for yours who hasn't had the best start in life. I think half the problems we humans have comes from the fact that we're trying to make everything predictable and knowable and trying to assure ourselves, ahead of time, that things will be alright, and so we worry that they are not right now, that it might be a sign that it'll never be alright. But as others have said, it's still really early days for you.

RE the separation anxiety, mine had it to the point where she wouldn't eat a treat (even chicken) when I left it for her and went out, and followed me everywhere, and whined when I went to the toilet etc. I did what you're doing and left her for short amounts of time. I even did things like letting her watch me from the back window as I exited through the garden gate and came back again immediately, lengthening the time I disappeared for each time. I also did the thing Judy suggested which was jangling keys and putting on shoes, but then not going out. But I don't think you being around your pup all the time will make her separation worse. I also work from home the whole time, and I'm on my own, so I'm literally all she's got and I'm there the whole time. But she's still ended up well-adjusted. So I wouldn't worry about that. Like Judy said, more important to get her used to being alone in little amounts, staying within her comfort zone and extending it little by little until you can go out for a few hours.

The things I found really helped with the separation (when I combined them all at once) was:

1. Planning the day so that I only went out straight after we'd come back from a walk (so she was nice and tired)
2. Leaving the radio on for the dog on a low volume (Classic FM or Radio 4!)
3. Giving her a kong full of chicken and a bit of cheese right after putting my coat/shoes on and getting my keys (so she was distracted as I left and didn't actually experience the me-leaving part. And she soon associated the shoes/coat/keys noises with getting a yummy treat)
4. Getting rid of the crate and putting her in the kitchen with the door closed instead (although importantly she was already toilet trained by this point, and this would depend on the dog - some dogs really like the security of the crate but mine preferred being out of it, both at home and in the car)
5. A few sprays of Adaptil in her bed 15 mins before I left (I only did this for a short while, when it became clear she didn't need it, and so I can't be sure whether it had an effect or not)

Hope this helps. You are right about the internet - so much conflicting advice. As Judy says, read it all and then be selective about it. Only you know what's right for you, your dog, and your specific situation so don't be too afraid to go against some of the preachy stuff. Try things out. Your puppy blues mean you're just a very conscientious person, so you'll do right by the dog I'm sure!

Oh, and I only started loving my dog at around 6 months - fact. I really didn't love her in the 4 months before then and sometimes I actively disliked her during that time as it was so hard. But now I adore her and would never be without her

Michele83 said:

The level of awful you feel is so common, don't worry. I had really bad puppy blues, and that's even though I have a very well-behaved and well-adjusted puppy, so what you're experiencing seems completely normal to me. You can do all the research in the world beforehand (which I did!) but no one really explains the emotional side of things and how bad it might make you may feel for a while!

I also really understand the feeling that your life is now over because you can't go anywhere. I got my puppy from 8 weeks old and it wasn't until about 6.5 months that she stopped crying and howling when I went out. I live on my own so I was thinking - have I given up my freedom!? She was also really sick in the car so I thought, wow, I really can't do anything now! But she's now 9 months and she is great in the car and doesn't cry or howl when I leave at all. And remember, that's a dog I've had from 8 weeks from a UK breeder, so if it took that long for me it's not surprising that it'll take a while longer for yours who hasn't had the best start in life. I think half the problems we humans have comes from the fact that we're trying to make everything predictable and knowable and trying to assure ourselves, ahead of time, that things will be alright, and so we worry that they are not right now, that it might be a sign that it'll never be alright. But as others have said, it's still really early days for you.

RE the separation anxiety, mine had it to the point where she wouldn't eat a treat (even chicken) when I left it for her and went out, and followed me everywhere, and whined when I went to the toilet etc. I did what you're doing and left her for short amounts of time. I even did things like letting her watch me from the back window as I exited through the garden gate and came back again immediately, lengthening the time I disappeared for each time. I also did the thing Judy suggested which was jangling keys and putting on shoes, but then not going out. But I don't think you being around your pup all the time will make her separation worse. I also work from home the whole time, and I'm on my own, so I'm literally all she's got and I'm there the whole time. But she's still ended up well-adjusted. So I wouldn't worry about that. Like Judy said, more important to get her used to being alone in little amounts, staying within her comfort zone and extending it little by little until you can go out for a few hours.

The things I found really helped with the separation (when I combined them all at once) was:

1. Planning the day so that I only went out straight after we'd come back from a walk (so she was nice and tired)
2. Leaving the radio on for the dog on a low volume (Classic FM or Radio 4!)
3. Giving her a kong full of chicken and a bit of cheese right after putting my coat/shoes on and getting my keys (so she was distracted as I left and didn't actually experience the me-leaving part. And she soon associated the shoes/coat/keys noises with getting a yummy treat)
4. Getting rid of the crate and putting her in the kitchen with the door closed instead (although importantly she was already toilet trained by this point, and this would depend on the dog - some dogs really like the security of the crate but mine preferred being out of it, both at home and in the car)
5. A few sprays of Adaptil in her bed 15 mins before I left (I only did this for a short while, when it became clear she didn't need it, and so I can't be sure whether it had an effect or not)

Hope this helps. You are right about the internet - so much conflicting advice. As Judy says, read it all and then be selective about it. Only you know what's right for you, your dog, and your specific situation so don't be too afraid to go against some of the preachy stuff. Try things out. Your puppy blues mean you're just a very conscientious person, so you'll do right by the dog I'm sure!

Oh, and I only started loving my dog at around 6 months - fact. I really didn't love her in the 4 months before then and sometimes I actively disliked her during that time as it was so hard. But now I adore her and would never be without her

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Thank you (and others) so much for your post, that is good advice - I am so glad I am not alone. Last night was particularly bad, it was my annual wrapping presents/watching Love Actually night and he slept for a while and then woke up the absolute devil. Barking and growling and biting/scratching me, going to the toilet everywhere (even after we went into the garden for 15 minutes where he just dug holes and ignored my objections). The only thing that calmed him down was me sobbing into a vodka at about 23:45 - he had had 3 short walks that day and we had played with his toys so I am not sure what that was all about - he hadn't slept more than usual. The worst thing about it was that I didn't get to finish the film.....

He has also taken a step backwards when it comes to housetraining, he almost refuses to go to the toilet in the garden but will go out there to sniff and run about. Our garden is particularly boggy at the moment so maybe it is that? For the first week he was here it seemed like we had cracked housetraining (almost) and now it is back to square one.

Fast forward 6 months!

Keep sobbing into a vodka if it makes him calm for research purposes only of course seriously I really feel for you keep your chin up , it will get better. xx

It might be worth you getting a behaviourist or trainer in, or even someone from the rescue. Not so much to help you with training, but to reassure you that he is completely normal and will be fine once he matures and settles in, and/or spot any signs of stress which might be the result of his previous life. It's really easy for first-time owners to see puppy biting and OTT behaviour as aggression and/or 'not normal', and not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This might then give you the confidence that you're doing fine and are heading in the right direction, and you can enjoy your vodka instead of sobbing into it

I found Adaptil diffusers seemed to just take the edge off my dog's OTT behaviour when he was around that age, so that might be worth a try. But if this is mostly confined to evenings, then it's very common for puppies to have the zoomies and seem completely out of control then. Think of the times of day when he's calm and more manageable, and remind yourself that one day, that's how he'll be (almost) all the time.

If you do get a behaviourist/trainer in, avoid anyone who advises 'corrections' or talks about status/dominance and getting him to 'respect you as pack leader' and similar. That approach is outdated, and will do more harm than good.

van84 said:

Thank you, would this not encourage the anxiety? I haven't really tried to leave him alone properly so everything I am worried about is mostly in my head, I just thought that getting him used to short times on his own was the best? So much advice out there and some of it contradictory it's so hard to know what to do for the best!

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To get my dogs used to being left i started with very short periods of say 5-10 minutes. I always brought a small treat back.( I took it with me)
I didn't make a fuss as soon as i got in. They always look forward to my return an waited patiently for their treat . I can now leave them for 2-3hours and they're fine. I still bring a treat on occasion but i now greet them when i come home.
As greyhounds are food orientated this works for me. I hope you find a solution that works for you soon.
Lennor .

Hi I have had 4 rescues all very traumatic lives they had. It has taken us nearly 4 years to get them settled and it is a huge undertaking. One lucky thing is yours is a puppy so you have a better time to correct the behaviour early by love and Kindness and seek puppy classes and pack walks too. Also ask your vet for a good behaviourist as well.

For teething get some carrots and put in the freezer little ones all clean and then once frozen take them out and give him one or two that will help with the pain of teething.

You are not alone we have been nipped bitten scratched all of what you are going through so please don’t give up. The poor baby needs patience lots of it.

If you are in Northampton area I could help you

Xxxx