Asking for help

I know, for a lot of people, asking for help is difficult. I strive to be as independent as I can, but sometimes I just have to bite the bullet and put myself out there. We had a longish hot dry spell and the wood of my back porch steps started to crack. When it rained, the wood swelled up and filled in but I started thinking about winter, and envisioned myself coming down my steps and the steps crumbling under my feet and the injury that would ensue..

Back in the day this is something I would have been able to tackle myself but these days I am just not as confident with the power tools, my arthritis is pretty advanced for fine motor skills, plus I lack a lot of the strength I used to have. I mean, I work hard at keeping fit and as strong as I can, with walking, hiking, indoor exercises including upper body weights, yard work, but that's just to keep me moving and able to do routine things, I've lost confidence in my ability to do this type of project.

So I took a deep breath and e mailed a friend who does beautiful work, but I hate to impose. I opened the e mail with "you can say no of course but". I even offered my babysitting services for their adult developmentally disabled daughter, in exchange for the work.

Happily he replied that he will come look at the porch this weekend and see what needs to be done.

Whew.

I understand where you are coming from. I have rheumatoid arthritis . Im lucky my other half helps me.
Its ok to ask for help but also its ok to say no to people who ask you to do something and you can't and not to feel guilty

My father was a very wise man, and one of the things I remember him telling me was that if you want to build rapport with someone, rather than offering help, ask them to help you. People like to feel valued, it's a powerful way to make them feel good about themselves - used appropriately, of course.

I'm sure your friend will be pleased to help.

Dibbythedog said:

I understand where you are coming from. I have rheumatoid arthritis . Im lucky my other half helps me.
Its ok to ask for help but also its ok to say no to people who ask you to do something and you can't and not to feel guilty

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Yes, I have no trouble saying no, I am very self protective. And I have also cultivated the ability to accept help when offered. too. Which is important I think.

It's only the putting myself out there to ask, that I still struggle with.

JoanneF said:

My father was a very wise man, and one of the things I remember him telling me was that if you want to build rapport with someone, rather than offering help, ask them to help you. People like to feel valued, it's a powerful way to make them feel good about themselves - used appropriately, of course.

I'm sure your friend will be pleased to help.

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He's always been willing, I remember once many years ago he told me he was so honored once when I asked him for help, because I never asked for help. We're all getting older though, He's 70 now I think, but I know he is still actively doing building/woodworking projects on his own home, so I'm not worried that he can't do it. But I do have that problem, that fear I guess, of "bothering someone".

But in this case, I know it's something he likes to do, I know he does good work, and I know, that if he couldn't, or didn't want to do it, he would say so.

Still though I do feel a little sad that I can't do it myself. I used to love tackling a simple job like this.

Currently I can't do anything, even yard work or house work, because I've hurt my back again. So annoying! So freaking annoying!

lorilu said:

Yes, I have no trouble saying no, I am very self protective. And I have also cultivated the ability to accept help when offered. too. Which is important I think.

It's only the putting myself out there to ask, that I still struggle with.

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I even have trouble asking the OH. I just don't know how a fit, very strong person can go to this pathetic character in just 2 years

Rona said:

I even have trouble asking the OH. I just don't know how a fit, very strong person can go to this pathetic character in just 2 years

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Yes, it's a terrible thing and very very difficult to make adjustments and acceptance when something like that happens. Every time I injure my back or my foot I worry that this time I will never find my way back to being active again. One of the worst parts for me is, if I am not active I gain weight. Extra weight of course makes pain worse, recovery takes longer, not to mention the mental aspects of unwanted weight gain.

@lorilu I suppose I'm lucky in that respect. I just keep losing weight and not being able to put it on

I think most people really like to help others - a task can be relatively easy for them, but they know what a huge difference it makes to the other person. Almost a win-win situation.

Our previous neighbours were elderly and struggling. We - OK, hubby - helped them out a couple of times with PC stuff and also when their washing line broke, but because they'd mentioned the PC problem and I saw the broken washing line. It was frustrating that they wouldn't ask directly as they were easy fixes. I did point out that when they were younger they would have wanted to help their neighbours, and it was time for them to accept help.

My sister has always been one of those people who gets others to do things for her. I used to think my name was Canu. Can you do this , can you do that. My friend whom Ive known since I was born ,( parents were friends) loves to help people . I can always rely on her.
she's the sister I never had,