In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England,
and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and
I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of
every living thing along with a few good humans and then I shall destroy
the world."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark. "Noah", he roared, "I'm about to start the rain. Where is the
Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord", begged Noah. "But things have changed. I need Building
Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m². I've been arguing with
the Chief Fire Officer about the need for the fire risk assessment and a
sprinkler system. My neighbours claim I should have obtained planning
permission prior to building the Ark in my garden because it is development
of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof
is too high. I had to appeal to the secretary of state, and you know how
long that takes. There may even be a public inquiry.
Because the construction is in my garden the electrical wiring has to be
installed by a Part P registered electrician and they are all booked up for
four to six months or buried under certificates and paperwork and therefore
would not have been able to complete the work within your timescale. As for
the plumbers, well I just can't get hold of them... All I get is "Hi welcome
to the Orange Answer Phone, please leave your message after the tone" and
needless to say they never call me back.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have a tree
Preservation Order on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that
I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the
accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, The Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many people of different nationalities I'm supposed to
hire for my building team, and the requirement for separate female toilets
in case I hire a woman.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to Hire
only CSCS accredited workers with Ark building experience.
HSE has decreed each employee must be equipped with a life jacket and
personal life raft even though we are miles from the sea. They've also been
talking to me about CDM 2007, whatever that is!
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish
this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not
going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."
and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and
I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of
every living thing along with a few good humans and then I shall destroy
the world."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark. "Noah", he roared, "I'm about to start the rain. Where is the
Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord", begged Noah. "But things have changed. I need Building
Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m². I've been arguing with
the Chief Fire Officer about the need for the fire risk assessment and a
sprinkler system. My neighbours claim I should have obtained planning
permission prior to building the Ark in my garden because it is development
of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof
is too high. I had to appeal to the secretary of state, and you know how
long that takes. There may even be a public inquiry.
Because the construction is in my garden the electrical wiring has to be
installed by a Part P registered electrician and they are all booked up for
four to six months or buried under certificates and paperwork and therefore
would not have been able to complete the work within your timescale. As for
the plumbers, well I just can't get hold of them... All I get is "Hi welcome
to the Orange Answer Phone, please leave your message after the tone" and
needless to say they never call me back.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have a tree
Preservation Order on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that
I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the
accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, The Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many people of different nationalities I'm supposed to
hire for my building team, and the requirement for separate female toilets
in case I hire a woman.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to Hire
only CSCS accredited workers with Ark building experience.
HSE has decreed each employee must be equipped with a life jacket and
personal life raft even though we are miles from the sea. They've also been
talking to me about CDM 2007, whatever that is!
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish
this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not
going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."
