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Directions for Sleeping with Dogs.
I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs. For
the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a cat,
although I urge beginners to leave the cat out.
To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be
assumed, the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed. There is no
point in lying down in anything smaller. While the size of the breed of dog is not
important (people who sleep with dogs know that before the night is over
everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may be. Very
thin dogs, for example, are lumpier. I have selected the two-dog minimum
because, as we shall see, it is the only way to stay in bed at all.
The key word here is LEVERAGE. All dogs spend the night pressed tightly
against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever sleep on the same
side. This is, in part, an expression of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie"
principle. It is also to create leverage. Because the human being is always in the
middle, held tightly in place by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs
are sleeping on top of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to
handle. Here is the tip: When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS
SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE OF YOU, spread your legs three inches apart. Stiffen
and hold out NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE! When the time comes to turn
over, bring the legs together quickly under the now slightly slackened blanket
and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP. As soon as you have assumed a new
position, allow for those crucial three inches again; otherwise, you're a mummy for
the rest of the night. NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES. A dog's
favourite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and
once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. There is a
way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides.
Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE
HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated
if you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an
ankle for a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed,
both dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.
When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats
prefer to sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A DOG.
(Remember, you have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE!
Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only
three more-or less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at
your front, and the other against your back, the cat can curl into the hollow
at the back of your bent knees, separated from both dogs. All will then sleep
soundly.
This entire technique still needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals
with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the problem of
pretending to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various animals
needs to be solved."
Author Unknown
I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs. For
the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a cat,
although I urge beginners to leave the cat out.
To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be
assumed, the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed. There is no
point in lying down in anything smaller. While the size of the breed of dog is not
important (people who sleep with dogs know that before the night is over
everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may be. Very
thin dogs, for example, are lumpier. I have selected the two-dog minimum
because, as we shall see, it is the only way to stay in bed at all.
The key word here is LEVERAGE. All dogs spend the night pressed tightly
against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever sleep on the same
side. This is, in part, an expression of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie"
principle. It is also to create leverage. Because the human being is always in the
middle, held tightly in place by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs
are sleeping on top of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to
handle. Here is the tip: When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS
SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE OF YOU, spread your legs three inches apart. Stiffen
and hold out NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE! When the time comes to turn
over, bring the legs together quickly under the now slightly slackened blanket
and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP. As soon as you have assumed a new
position, allow for those crucial three inches again; otherwise, you're a mummy for
the rest of the night. NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES. A dog's
favourite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and
once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. There is a
way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides.
Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE
HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated
if you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an
ankle for a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed,
both dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.
When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats
prefer to sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A DOG.
(Remember, you have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE!
Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only
three more-or less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at
your front, and the other against your back, the cat can curl into the hollow
at the back of your bent knees, separated from both dogs. All will then sleep
soundly.
This entire technique still needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals
with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the problem of
pretending to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various animals
needs to be solved."
Author Unknown
) sounds like my bed without the cat though 
