I feel inadequate and guilty

[sparkle4ever]

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My OH has said to me that if we have to rehome Barley it would be because of me. Because 'l can't cope'. That if he had a choice, he'd do it all. But he can't because of his job but he said that if he were retired, he would basically give up all of his time to Barley, at least through the puppy and adolescent stages. I feel inadequate and guilty and tired.

I confess, I do not wish to spend my entire day running around/supervising a puppy. I want to be able to do other things, want to be able to work, projects and to relax. I don't think that makes me a bad person. But obviously he must be a saint as he would sacrifice all for the puppy.

But the OH just says to me; Well, what have you been doing all day to not stimulate him/play with him/train him/take him out to socialise him? What is more important?

I know this is a dog forum and not couples counselling! But I feel like Ive just gone back in time where the hubby comes home from work and the wife is exhausted from looking after the baby and the husband says; well why? What have you been doing all day?!

It is having an impact on my physical and mental health. I am drained. OH has more energy than me and doesn't ordinarily get up as early as me. He also doesn't have anxiety and related problems that I have.

Barley does get more rest now in his crate and he is a little more settled than he was. But I am still struggling.

But we have a new trainer now that I will be doing one to one with, for a month, so I can't just give up.

 

[JoanneF]

I'm sorry your OH isn't more understanding. I think a lot of people don't get just how much effort is needed with a puppy.

Can you leave Barley with him for a day on one of his days off, both to allow you a break and to let him see how much energy it takes?

 

[sparkle4ever]

I'm sorry your OH isn't more understanding. I think a lot of people don't get just how much effort is needed with a puppy.

Can you leave Barley with him for a day on one of his days off, both to allow you a break and to let him see how much energy it takes?

Thank you.
He only has the weekend off and I am at home then anyway :-(

 

[JoanneF]

Can you take yourself off somewhere for the day, or even just for a few hours?

 

[sparkle4ever]

Can you take yourself off somewhere for the day, or even just for a few hours?

I seriously don't have the energy. I just want to relax at home , meditate, slump in front of the TV, sleep. I just need rest basically.

 

[JudyN]

Even if it is the case that you 'can't cope', it isn't your fault that you can't cope, just as it isn't your fault that you suffer from anxiety. It's like blaming you for not being able to walk to the shops when you've just broken your leg. Maybe your OH could manage to look after and entertain Barley whilst getting on with other stuff, but that doesn't mean that you 'should' be able to. My cousin had 5 children very close in age and managed them in a totally relaxed way while getting on with life, but I couldn't have done that to save my life.

So it's not fair of your OH to blame you - you are doing your best, and it makes no difference if he could do better or not. You've stuck with this so far, so have already shown a lot of strength.

Make sure the new trainer knows not just about Barley's behaviour, but how it is affecting your life. This may be as much about teaching you coping strategies as it is about training him.

 

[Hemlock]

Dogs are much more straightforward to train than husbands. You are doing well, you WILL get there, and I'm sorry for his attitude. If the new trainer works well with you, great, but if not - there are other trainers.

 

[Flobo]

Can only agree with all of the above...

It is so important you get time out for yourself, when you are running on empty it is much harder to cope/manage everything. If you can, maybe book yourself something like a sound bath or some other relaxation therapy as your time out this weekend. Or if you don't have the energy, you say you meditate, so take yourself off to your room and tell your husband you don't want to be disturbed...take in some supplies, shut the door, put on some lovely music(in earbuds, will block out the daily noise of whatever is going on in rest of house) and take that break... meditate, read, sleep, whatever you need! It would be far nicer if your husband could offer support instead of criticism, but as all ready stated, husband training seems to be far harder job!!

 

[sparkle4ever]

Thank you so much for all of your help and support. It is invaluable. And it is so true about training husbands! (Good thing they are hopefully not reading this!). I will try and take some time though. And Judy, so true about coping and also about letting the trainer know about the impact, to find coping strategies. However, I did see her today and really didn't learn anything new. I have spoken to three different trainers (two I have paid for) and they all say different things and are all 'trained' with different organisations. All the trainer really suggested was to have a routine and was incredibly evasive about whether Barley will ever 'settle' down. Even though she had experienced something very similar with her own dog, she said she had forgotten how hard it was. There wasn't a great deal of empathy for me with fatigue and everything. So I am not expecting much anymore, just for us to find our own way through, using common sense and patience.

 

[Hemlock]

Did you contact Emma Judson? She knows her way around sighthounds, which relatively few trainers do, and always puts a kind light on issues. She still does phone consultations, I believe, but do check out her website. She's head and shoulders above most others.