Grieving desperately for my dog

I was searching for help on the internet after losing my beautiful boy Sam Friday night and came across this forum.

I hope it’s ok to talk and for some of you to listen and help me.

Sam was almost 14 when he passed and we’d been together for 13 years. He suffered SA so was always with me, we were a couple and went everywhere together and I loved him so very much.

He’s always been a very healthy boy until 2 weeks ago when he started to become quite lethargic, off his food, vomiting and sometimes appeared as if he was drunk, his body would sway and he seemed unstable, particularly his back legs. On the 22 December i recorded him running around with his ball

Last week involved 3 trips to the vet, bloods seemed normal and all vitals were normal so the vet decided to treat for pain relief. I felt deep inside I was losing him though . Friday night he ate (it had been 24 hours) and we had been for a walk, however later that evening I was upstairs and I heard him coming up the stairs, I looked over and saw him struggling to get up the stairs - it broke my heart. He reached the top and sort of slumped down. His head was up but it was swaying. He seemed very sleepy and his eyes seemed to roll back. I called my friend and he came over and told me what I was painfully scared of….that I was losing my beautiful boy.

Being a Friday night I had to call the emergency vet and had no choice but to take him in and let him go. I’m truly and utterly devastated. My world is shattered and I have no idea how I’m going to move on without him by my side.

This wasn’t the ending he deserved…I knew when it was his time that I wanted the vet out to our home and not be in a surgery we weren’t familiar with.

I’ve done loads of reading trying to understand what went wrong, I know it doesn’t change things but my best friend went downhill so quickly…I wonder if he had a stroke?

What is haunting me though is that the vet struggled to find a vein and when she did she caught him and he cried/yelped out with pain before he went and this is what I’m left with - thinking that his final moments were pain and not just drifting off. this is the image I’m left with and I cant lose it.

I spoke to my vet this week about the injection and she said she’d by lying if this hadn’t happened to her and that sometimes they catch a sensitive spot; she tried to reassure me that it would’ve been brief but somehow it doesn’t make me feel better

I know so many of you here have been through this and I’d just like to some help and clarity. Was my boy in pain as they injected him before he passed? He was going deaf and I stroked and talked to him the whole time. I just hope he knows I was there til the end as I’m not sure if he could hear me.

I just cant stop crying. I have 13 years of wonderful and amazing memories and feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest

My heart goes out to you, it really does. On a good note, his illness was very short, rather than him going downhill and struggling over a long period.

I'm sure he knew you were there and that you reassured him and made him feel safe. Any pain would have been very brief and then over... if this had been just an annual booster that caught a sensitive spot, he would have forgotten about it a moment later.

The early days after losing your dog are just awful - you feel like you've been hit like a truck. When we lost our dog, my husband and I both also felt really ill, as if we had flu. This will pass, though I won't lie - it can take a fair old while, and the pain will never completely go. But neither will the memories of the 13 wonderful years you had together.

If it helps, do feel free to share stories and/or photos of Sam, or just rant about the unfairness of life and the pain of loss. If you feel you need any extra help, though, the Blue Cross has an excellent bereavement support service: Pet bereavement and pet loss

I can't add anything useful to JudyN's lovely response, but I hear you and offer you strength through your grief. It's a terrible time, and no matter how often we go through this, it rips us apart. Hugs.

As her late Majesty Queen Elizabeth said, "Grief is the price we pay for love".

Thank you for your replies....unfortunately I can't seem to upload a photo

JuliaB said:

Thank you for your replies....unfortunately I can't seem to upload a photo

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There is a size limit on photos that can be posted - you might need to resize the photo first. If that doesn't work, you could email it to me and I'll do it for you. But only if you really want to - we don't want to add any more pressure to you when you're feeling so fragile.

Thank you. I'd like to share a photo please/. What is the email address?

JuliaB said:

Thank you. I'd like to share a photo please/. What is the email address?

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I've sent you a private message

The gorgeous Sam

@JuliaB what a lovely photo. I echo what the others have said. Big hugs.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss also, your Sam looks beautiful. Please be kind to yourself, it sounds like you were there for him his whole life, that moment at the end was just a moment, he was there in your arms being reassured and loved...he would of known you were there without a doubt, please take comfort in that. When ever we have to say goodbye, whatever the circumstances, it is truly heart wrenching, it is a pain like no other and we all feel so lost when it happens...in time it does get less painful, just give yourself that time, however long that is...
My heart goes out to you, sending hugs xx

What a lovely photo. Thanks for sharing.

JudyN said:

The gorgeous Sam

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Dear Julia, what a handsome boy your Sam was. I am so very very sorry that he is no longer with you. You gave him a wonderful life, and in return he gave you his true love and devotion, and that will always remain in your heart. I understand completely what you are going through I too lost my best friend in September, and I turned to this forum for support, and was very grateful that people took time to reply to me. What is helping me, is to fill my time with crafting. I make little keepsakes for people who have lost a pet. I would very much like to make and send one to you, if you would like one, please pm me your address, I hope you can take comfort in that you were with Sam right up until the end, I found this poem after losing my Rosie girl, and thought it was beautiful, and post it here in loving memory of your gorgeous Sam.

Waiting at the Door
by Anonymous

I was just a pup when we first met,
I loved you from the start.
You picked me up and took me home,
And placed me in your heart.
Good times we had together,
We shared all life could throw.
But years passed all too quickly,
My time has come to go.
I know how much you miss me,
I know your heart is sore
I see the tears that fall
When I'm not waiting at the door.
You always did your best for me,
Your love was plain to see.
For even though it broke your heart,
You set my spirit free.
So please be brave without me,
One day we'll meet once more.
For when you're called to heaven,
I'll be waiting at the door.

Best wishes
Anna x

I made this for you today. X

That's lovely.

I'm so sorry to read of your loss. I lost my boy Jimmy just under a year ago and miss him terribly. Without exaggeration, I think of him every single day. Sam will have known you were there, Sam will have known you cared.

It's a terrible thing, no doubt. The utter despair you're feeling now will ease, but your memories of Sam will remain forever. Try and focus on the happy times.

I'm glad you found us here and were able to share your story (mine is here). Best wishes.

Thank you Anna for your reply/. Yes I have found it so helpful to listen to others and share experiences.

my boys ashes are back with the vet but I'm not ready today to get him. I'll bring him home on Monday .

I would love a keepsake so will pm you

Arealhuman -

Yes I read your lovely post about Jimmy, it’s what prompted me to post here as everyone was so kind.

I collected Sam’s ashes yesterday. Oh my it was so difficult…. they have even given me a paw print on card and some forget-me-not seeds to plant.

I miss my boy so very much. My life feels so lost and empty without him.

I'm so sorry, grief is all consuming and utterly brutal.

Have you considered contacting the Blue Cross counselling services that Judy linked in post #2?

((((((Hugs)))))) It is the hardest thing. But it will get easier, I promise. I still have moments though...

Although it never gets easier as such, we do find ways of acceptance in time. But it takes time and however long it takes is individual for each of us. It's okay to feel this way. We know how it is.