Goodbye Jasper

Will we ever be able to finish a tub of coleslaw and not think 'Ooh, Jasper will love licking this clean' and then remembering, or eat a pizza and not plan to save him a bit of crust? Will we ever hear the doorbell and not get up to answer it sloooooooowly and calmly, so as not to set him off? Will we ever be able to leave the door into the garage open and not have that niggling worry that there's unprotected food in there?

Thinking about it, possibly not - I've always had an urge to avoid saying 'biscuits' as the Yorkie we had when I was a child could hear it from two rooms away, even when she'd gone deaf...

 

Thank you, RGC. Yes, I know it will take a long, long time.

It's harder at the moment as I have covid - not badly, but I don't feel great. Mr N is fine (so far....) but it means we can't go out places, and take our minds off things. We did go for a short walk round the block this afternoon - unfortunately we bumped into a dear friend in her 90s, with her dog and her daughter. She knew J since he was a pup, and used to have a lurcher called Lofty, who was J's first friend. That was a difficult conversation to have from a distance of at least 4 metres, not helped by the fact that she's pretty deaf, so her daughter had to translate! At least it gave us an excuse to go our separate ways early, before our eyes started leaking...

 

A friend came round for coffee this afternoon - I did try to keep my distance, though I shouldn't be infectious any more. She gave me this, which she'd had made from a photo she took of Jasper. It's beautiful, and I absolutely love it. I cried. Actually, I cried quite a lot while she was here, but it was so good to share memories, she knew Jasper so well.



She was a bit shocked when she realised that the phone symbols appeared on the lower section, but for me that adds to its authenticity, and its 'provenance' to use the posh word

She also took a huge box of 'dog stuff' including a pile of medications she can pass on to someone she knows at a dog sanctuary, and loads of treats etc. for her dogs, plus a raised dog bed that will be perfect for them. Mr R found it hard to see so much of Jasper's things go, but I'm glad they will benefit other dogs.

 

We scattered Jasper's ashes last week at the heath, and oh boy did I find it hard. I couldn't sprinkle them round the pond - he loved to cool off in it, but wouldn't go out of his depth, and rather irrationally, I think I was worried about the ashes drifting out to the middle....

I sat on the far side of the pond, back to the others, rubbing his ashes into my hands as if I could absorb him. After a while my son came and sat down by me, saying nothing, just being there. After a few minutes he asked if he should go, saying that he was useless at this sort of thing, never knowing what to say. But what he had done - just being there with me - was perfect. So if you ever want to comfort someone but not know what to say - it doesn't matter, please, just be there with them.

I was then able to sprinkle some ashes in the old sand/clay pits, where he'd had some wonderful zoomies in his younger days.

Something else I wasn't expecting - we had a terrific storm on Saturday night, which shook the house. I should have been glad that Jasper didn't have to suffer through it, but all I could think about was how scared he would have been, which upset me. It was never easy to reassure him when there were storms in the night as he really didn't appreciate being touched while he was on his bed.

I'm sure we'll have many more moments like these. Mr N and I can go on walks with other people, or together, and we're fine. If we go out separately on our own but have a distraction (he'll take his litter picker, I'll take my camera) we're fine. But if we 'just go for a walk', the thoughts creep back in...

Overall, though, we're fine. And it is lovely to be able to do things we couldn't before. We went to a Jubilee garden party on Saturday and were there for 7 hours. We even survived several of our neighbours asking how he was doing... Despite that, twice I looked at my watch wondering if we needed to get back because we'd left him too long....

There is absolutely no 'right way' to do this. For anyone going through similar, just accept the process and go with it. I believe the body does a fine balance of blocking out feelings you're not ready to deal with, and letting them creep in when you have a few more reserves. But like intensive physiotherapy on an injured joint, there will be times when it ruddy well hurts.

 

I do have some forget-me-not seeds that YuMove sent after I cancelled my subscription (and ticked the appropriate box to give the reason). I really should think where to plant them - but they like moist soil and ours is dry. Maybe in a container, but I try to avoid a proliferation of containers as I get fed up with having to water them!

I was thinking this morning that I'm (mostly) able to shove my feelings in a box and stuff it at the back of the wardrobe, to take out and look in when I feel it's safe to do so. Mr N, though, still feels sad a lot of the time - pretty much any time he isn't distracted by something else.

On the plus side, when we go and stay with my mum later this month, he's happy to take us both shopping to Cribbs Causeway as he'd expect to be having a really miserable time there anyway

 

Thank you Pam Of course, it comes to almost all pet owners eventually, and is so much better than the alternative (us dying before them). It's never easy, though.