Grief and dealing with loss

I’ve decided to join this forum as I’m really struggling with guilt at the moment. I lost my beautiful little girl Daisy a Bichon frise in May at aged 14 years and 6 months. I had Daisy from a little pup, straight away she brought so much joy and love into our lives, she was such a little character! we are all heartbroken. Daisy lived with me and my ex partner for 10 years, we would take her on holidays to our caravan, out for meals out for walks, to the beach, all the lovely things you do with our fur babies. My Mum and Dad doted on her too as while I was in work she would stay with them in the days where my Mum would cook her food etc, she had the best dinners lol they always took her out and gave her so much love. The last 5 years has been a nightmare for me I was due to get married and had a beautiful home when my world came crashing down and I found out my parter had cheated, the relationship broke down and I had to sell my home and cancel my wedding. I then moved back in with my parents. It was a very difficult time for me as I thought I had my life planned out after being with someone for such a long time. The reason I’m bringing this up is because since becoming single again at aged 35 I was going out allot, I was practically out most weekends, I would also go away on city breaks with my friends who helped me so much. Obviously Daisy would be with my parents while I was doing these things. I would also take Daisy with my if I went out during the week like up a friends house or down the pub etc. but as she was aging she didn’t really enjoy it so much. Loosing Daisy has absolutely killed me, I was in absolute denial two weeks leading up to her passing, I didn’t want to listen to vets or anyone ! I was just heartbroken. Now Daisy has gone I’m riddled with guilt thinking about all the times I went out on the weekends, and the city breaks! I should have spent this with her, I feel like I maybe took her for granted, I feel like I should have realised that she was not going to be here for many years to come and spent more time with her. I just feel so so guilty for doing this. What must she think every time I was leaving to go out. I’m just really really sad, it’s been six months now and I still feel horrendous. I feel like I failed her. Can anyone help me or give me advice ?

 

Thank you so much for both your replies.

I honestly feel like I’m loosing it, my parents are worried as they feel like I’m tormenting myself. I loved her so much and I was completely in denial when I was told she had kidney failure. I knew she was ageing and looking back now there were obvious signs. I hate how my life turned out, it was such turmoil everything was chaos, I felt like I had to get out as I found it very difficult moving back in with my parents again. I read back through text where my Mum messaged me “Daisy's bored” when are you home. I just feel so so bad and guilty. And I was always out on the weekends just getting drunk etc. I would always do as much as I could with her, we used to take her out for meals etc. but to be honest the last year of her life she really just liked to be at home, she was elderly x she slept with me every night and in the morning I would take her to the toilet then put her on the sofa with a blanket on her before I went to work. I honestly can’t think of good times at the minute as I feel like I failed her, again took her for granted ! Even though I love her so much. I also had to take her to be put to sleep and it was the most traumatic experience, I can’t even speak about it as I block it out. I start panicking, I just miss her. I’m so sorry if I sound crazy. I just don’t know what to do.

 

Is this normal to feel like this, have you both felt like this and had these feelings in the past ?

 

Thank you for this everyone. I feel like it helps to speak to people who have been through this and understand.

I wish they could live as long as us, but they can’t. Just finding it really hard at the moment and I have allot of regret. I think when she was around 13.5 years she really just wanted to stay at home and lie in her favourite place, I did take her out every day but short walks. I found that hard as I could handle sitting in my parents house every night, I felt like I was being smothered, that’s how I was always out. I just wish I didn’t do it now x I hope she knows I’m sorry x

 

Hello both, thank you for your reply.

I have considered speaking to a councillor. I just feel like I’m getting worse not better. The guilt is horrible, she was so so sweet and I just feel bad for not giving her my full attention I guess when I busy going out. I know it sounds crazy but I can’t help but think it. I can’t even think/deal with her last day at the vets, I can feel almost panic setting over me and extreme sadness if I remotely think of it.

I’m so lucky I had her for 14.5 years when I speak to people who have lost their beloved fur babies allot younger. I just miss her so much