Honouring a person's wishes

[Kara 1]

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My father in law passed away last week after a short illness he was 91 yrs old ...he moved into our annexe(detached 2 bed bungalow )at bottom of our garden 3 yrs ago as he wasnt coping with the up keep of his house and dreaded going into a home ...
Dad wasnt religious. .referring to himself as an atheist. ...
His wishes were he didnt want any kind of funeral he wanted a simple/direct funeral ...his body will go to the funeral director and then onto be cremated ,his ashes will be scattered in the gardens
Most of the family had died many years ago he left behind 2 sons ...we dont have a problem with this as this is my husbands wishes too when he dies .
I am leaving my body to medical research indefinitely. ..i did this about 10 yrs ago after speaking to my son (my only child )my grandchildren know this is my wish ....
I had been bought up talking about death ,my nan always felt it was important to know as early as possible that we knew we lived and died ...
I am suprised how many people are shocked that bobs dad is having no funeral ...
We will still have a get together to celebrate his long and fullfilled life

 

[JudyN]

I'm sorry to hear about your FIL, Kara. But such a long life should be celebrated. I'm glad his wishes are being respected.

 

[JoanneF]

Condolences for your loss Kara but I agree, it's great his wishes are being honoured. Mr F has the same wishes.

 

[Mad Murphy]

Sorry for your loss. Im glad you are respecting his wishes.

Many people feel the funeral is not so much for the person who has passed as the ones who remain.

I have wriiten strict rules about my own regarding music, flowers, no singing etc but also if a person hasnt been to visit me in 5 years they are not invited (its not a free lunch) my obituary may be placed in the paper after the funeral (again to stop freeloaders)..Then no urn just mix me in a bucket with the dogs and scatter me at the common.

 

[merlina]

This is such a difficult one- I also tend to agree with the view that the funeral is for those left behind. A ceremony that's appropriate for the one who has gone can be cathartic for family and friends. You cross a psychological border.

 

[Kara 1]

Dad was cremated last week and was supposed to be scattered in the memorial garden at the crematorium the next day ( funeral director advised us of this )
Yesterday we received a folder about 3" thick from the crematorium telling us they havent scattered dads ashes they are keeping them a further 28 days from his cremation in case we change our minds and would like to buy a plot to bury his ashes and several leaflets with plaques,headstones and orbs for sale ....doesnt this defeat the whole object of a direct funeral ...it has made me so cross as i feel this is going to make families feel guilty that they should maybe buy these extras ...a plot for ashes and a plaque starts at £3,500 and the plot is only for 5 yrs
I am going to complain as the idea of a direct funeral is there is no stress for the family left behind carrying out the deceased wishes .
There has been alot of publicity about Direct funerals that funeral directors are losing money and the crematoriums too ....An average funeral cost with basic coffin and 1 family car is over £4,000 a direct funeral is £985 .....

 

[Mayblossom]

I feel the worst part of losing someone is seeing the coffins at a funeral , just wish Direct had been about when I lost my Mum and Dad together in a car accident, having fancy hearses turn up with two coffins was something I won’t forget , then the service followed by cups of tea, sandwiches and the inevitable fruit cake relatives I hadn’t seen for years etc ....I’ll definitely go down the Direct route when me or my husband goes , will make sure my close family know this too. Sending you all add on sales stuff is just not on! Definitely worth complaining as it might stop them doing the same to other grieving families.

 

[JudyN]

Oh Mayblossom, how awful that must have been, I'm so sorry

Kara - that seems incredibly insensitive of the funeral directors, and so wrong that they went against your wishes.

 

[Kara 1]

Mayblossom that must have been terrible , I am so sorry ....
Direct funerals have always been available but never advertised before like they are now ...
I know some people find it comforting to have a funeral but I too find them distressing ...I carry those that have passed with me every day in my heart and memories xxx
Thanks Judy ...it wasn't the actual funeral directors but the crematorium...I am going to speak with the funeral directors and let them know in case they have no idea xx

 

[Mayblossom]

Mayblossom that must have been terrible , I am so sorry ....
Direct funerals have always been available but never advertised before like they are now ...
I know some people find it comforting to have a funeral but I too find them distressing ...I carry those that have passed with me every day in my heart and memories xxx
Thanks Judy ...it wasn't the actual funeral directors but the crematorium...I am going to speak with the funeral directors and let them know in case they have no idea xx

Thank you Kara and Judy, was 30 years ago now and my parents were only in their early sixties, younger than me .Guess it was something we never thought about then, just the done thing to have a proper funeral etc , I know my Mum and Dad made sure they left enough money to pay for the funeral, never realising it would be for both of them. Dread to think how much a double cremation would cost today!

 

[Kara 1]

You would be suprised. ..if you took the deceased to the crematorium yourself and yes you can do this a cremation near me is £685 and this is with a 20 min service so i think the funeral directors are making so much money out of alot of peoples grief ...
Also the crematorium are hoping that people will buy a stone or plot ....its quite sad really when you think about it ...
I remember thinking about becoming a funeral director and being told i would never be out of work but i knew i wohldnt have been able to have dealt with the death of children

 

[Mayblossom]

Goodness , now that is a huge difference in price! We often have traveller funerals in a village near us ( no idea why they choose a tiny Surrey village) they shut roads and take over , usually about 20 Mercedes or Rolls, then the service with the flashiest coffin ever! Then off for the reception ( wake) a whole hotel is usually booked ...would love to know the cost! Quite an occasion...and the fashion show is unbelievable

 

[Mad Murphy]

One of the most difficult things I can imagine was a wake my son in law attended. The person the wake was for wasnt actually dead yet.
Knowing his bone cancer had returned and knowing there was nothing that could be done the lad (27) had chosen euthanasia but decided his wake would be a party held 2 days before he went so that he was able to say goodbye to everyone personally.

I cant imagine how everyone coped.

 

[Kara 1]

A friend of mine had a living wake ...he was 62 and had terminal cancer ...he said he had never missed a good party and wasn't going to miss his own ...it was actually the best party i have ever been to ...everyone told him how much they loved him and some told him how he had been a pain in the backside
Harry was a kind loving man and was my best friend he has been gone 18 yrs now and i miss him every day ...i am gladd i had the chance to tell him how special he was ....