The pain won’t subside. I can’t see past this loss.

[sophieg]

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Hi all. I’m Sophie and I’m new here. I’ve not posted to anything like this before, but I’m in a situation I cannot process and after reading a few posts I thought I’d give it a shot. I’m in a situation where I will do anything to feel one bit better.
On Monday I had to put my 6 year old French Bulldog to rest. And the pain of doing this has hit me like a hurricane. I feel unwell. I cannot eat properly, sleep is minimal, I wake up sweating and I pace around the house sobbing and calling his name praying that he comes back to me. But he won’t.
His name was Boycie. He was a handful (I know frenchie owners can relate). But he was the challenge I needed that I didn’t always realise. He was dominant, jealous (I have another dog) but the biggest ball of entertainment. He entertained us all so much. The last few weeks he filled with fluid, and was diagnosed with pericardial effusion. We had the heart drained, praying the idiopathic diagnosis meant this was a one off. But it came back with a vengeance. We went to the vet to search for other options, but the vet said he was already shutting down at this stage, his BP was low and the chances were he had something much more sinister. It was a miracle he made it through the first heart drain and we made the choice to end his suffering (he could barely breathe). We were with him when he went, but because his BP was so low the vet didn’t use enough in the injection and had to go and get another to fully see him off and I was howling. This haunts me so much. I can’t bear the thought of him laying stuck there hearing me.
We came home and I broke. I search for him wishing he was following me around. I go into every room and see him in my mind. It’s like I’m being stabbed through these memories and I don’t know how to manage my emotions right now. What do people do in this instance to soothe this suffering. I miss my darling boy so much. I have two children to try to explain this too and hold back my own tears and another dog (spring spaniel) who is walking around looking for him. We had booked to take him to Wales with us on Christmas for a farm house break and I can’t believe I’m not taking him. I am just a very lost person right now. X

 

[sophieg]

 

[JudyN]

What a lovely lad he was. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I can relate to so much of what you say - when we lost our dog my husband and I couldn't sleep and felt physicallt ill, that feeling of being hit by a truck when you have a bad flu. And emotionally, it is incredibly painful. Time will help a lot, but the pain doesn't really go - you learn to walk alongside it, to live with it.

If it helps, feel free to tell us more about Boycie, and about how you are feeling - most people here have been through this so know how you're feeling. But if you feel you need more help, the Blue Cross have an excellent bereavement service: Pet bereavement and pet loss

 

[sophieg]

Thank you Judy. I can definitely relate to the poorly feeling. My body has got run down. I am exhausted and notice the difference even in my skin colouring and my stomach just churns. I’m just praying time heals this x

 

[JoanneF]

Hello and welcome, I'll add my condolences too. Try to take things gently, and if it helps, when you are ready, perhaps you might like to share some happy memories with us.

 

[Hemlock]

We here have gone through this many times, and it never gets easier, so we understand and empathise and send cyber hugs. Let yourself mourn. It is valid to feel the way you do.

Remember what the late Queen Elizabeth II so memorably said: "Grief is the price we pay for love".

 

[sophieg]

Isn’t it just. I think it’s the emptiness of the home. He was a typical frenchie. Dominant, bombed around the place and it was all about him! And now he isn’t there I fester on them memories which prompt the tears. The heart needs time to heal I guess. Grief is a new unfamiliar feeling for me in this respect.

 

[Flobo]

I am also so sorry for your loss... your post brought tears to my eyes, it is the hardest thing. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time, you were with him at the end and that would of been comforting for him. The picture of him is lovely and I promise over time when you remember him bombing around and being nuts, a smile will take the place of tears...but for now take it moment by moment and day by day... sending hugs too x

 

[JudyN]

Make sure you drink plenty - for some reason, OH and I were incredibly thirsty in the days after losing our dog, way beyond what could be accounted for by the tears we shed. It just goes to show how grief can affect you physiologically as well as emotionally.

 

[Ari_RR]

Time is the best healer, but it works slowly. What helped me to some extend when my beloved 1st boy died was talking about him, to pretty much everyone who knew him. Thankfully, people had enough patience to listen to my stories.
We kept his ashes in the little urn, and every now and then I pick up the urn and hug it, and I swear I can feel him.. and still, almost 6 years later, with a wonderful new dog by my side, I have tears in my eyes thinking of him. We pay at the tail end, that's just how it is.
You will feel better soon. Hugs.