Autobiography

[milly]

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(w00t) brill you should do a collum for whippet news

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please let him finnish the book first ive just had 15 orders from USA have you thought any more about the book cover flecth

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I think you saddos should do that

 

[milly]

Your so demanding Dee

 

[milly]

Just wrapping Hazels Christmas presents so sit tight and brace your selfs (w00t)

 

[milly]

Next story Grahams piles :b (w00t)

 

[GRAHAM PEM]

Next story Grahams piles :b   (w00t)

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yes the cucumber trick did work

 

[wild whippies]

Patiently waiting o

 

[milly]

Patiently waiting o

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Just waiting till it stops snowing

 

[wild whippies]

Aw hey!! it took me ages to get it snowing! :b

Anyway I designed you a book cover

 

[milly]

Aw hey!! it took me ages to get it snowing! :b Anyway I designed you a book cover

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Like it :thumbsup: What with having to do the shopping,washing,ironing.cooking,and walking God knows how many dogs xmas shopping wrapping your lots presents :sweating: I,ve not had time to have a fag so tomorrow afternoon after I,ve feed hungry Horace. ps thats a promise

 

[milly]

[SIZE=14pt]What a bitter pill to swallow![/SIZE]

It was late Friday night when I decided to nip round to Tommys.

I knew it would be busy round there because I'd seen Di and Bruce taking a birthday cake earlier that evening.Also saw Jac and vicky arriving about 6pm(any excuse for a **** up with those two) :cheers:

As I walked up the path it sounded really noisy,I nearly turned round and went home ,but it was too late,Tommy spotted me.

"Come in Fletch"he yelled

"It's Sykos birthday""Got loads of booze"

I reluctently entered

Well it was like Batley variety club

There was Joan,Michael,Gary &Dee,Ricky & Krystal,Bruce & Di,Linda(Tommys ex?)Syko & Ruth,Jac & Vicky,and bugger me ,if it wasn't me old mates Graham,Mandy,and their chauffer Andy.It was like being in a sardine can!! :b And it smelt like it as well with all the salmon sandwiches that Di had made.

"do you want a can?"asked Bruce

"Try a piece of Di's cake"

"Cheers Bruce"I said

"happy Birthday Syko ""How old are you?"I asked

"Thats for me to know and you to find out "he laughed

"Nice one Syko!Brought your sam?"

"No he's on stud duty tomorrow Fletch,he's had more pri** than a pin cushion "

Any way 'I glanced over at Graham,and he seemed to be sitting in an awquard position,sort of sat on one cheek of his arse.

"Got a bad back Graham?"I asked

Tommy intervened before Graham could answer.

"No he's got piles :blink: ".

"Phew I bet thats painful Graham,wanna get yourself over to the doctors"

Tommy said"He's been Fletch,Can I tell them what happened Graham?

Well I'm going to anyway".

He loved taking the **** old Tommy did,and he didn't care who he embarrassed :b

Well it went like this......

Graham went to the doctors a week last thursday .The doctor told him to drop his pants and bend over :b

"Yes you've definately got piles,Mr Pendleton,in fact it looks like a bunch of grapes"

"Heres a prescription for some suppositories,come back and see me in 2 weeks time"

Well graham had a right job with these suppositories over the 2 week period.

Anyway,Graham went back like the doctor requested.

"Sit down Mr Pendleton" :x

"As the suppositories helped?"asked the doctor

"Helped........For what good they've been I may aswell have shoved them up my arse"

Poor old Graham had been trying to swallow them for 2 weeks

Well Tommy could hardly tell us for laughing,infact he asked Jac to take a picture of Grahams piles ,but this will be put on at a later date lol (w00t)

TO BE CONTINUED>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[JOHNG]

brilliant geoff pmsl at that :thumbsup:

 

[wild whippies]

PMSL!! Should of called this one the grapes of wrath!

 

[milly]

PMSL!! Should of called this one the grapes of wrath!

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OR RING OF FIRE (w00t)

 

[milly]

Just for all you perspective buyers ) Just thought I'd give you all a taster :- " Welcome to Bentinct Rd,Shuttlewood nr Chesterfield in the sixties.Bentinct consisted of several rows of terraced houses,Where the majority of tenants were miners who worked in the local coal mines i.e oxcroft ,Markham, Ireland ,High moor and west Thorpe.In the early sixties money was very tight,same as any place where things are rather hard,humour is always plentiful.

And as the age old story goes"If you don't laugh you'll cry".

And sometimes it would have been alot easier to have cried,but the folks at Bentinct just laughed.

In the long summer days and nights boredom was yet another issue we had to deal with,so we would often congregate in Tommy Rileys house,and although this story concentrates on Tommys Adventures in the pet trade.

He was a real life Alf Garnet,Del Trotter,Steptoe and Frank Spencer all rolled into one.Tommy Was our very own Rab.c Nesbit,years before he had even been created.

You were always guaranteed a great laugh at Tommys.

Tommy was not born a Bentinct man though,his family had moved here when he was younger.

Their was always some-one visiting.

One thing was certain though,there was no point in anyone paying him a visit on a Saturday,he was never around on a Saturday.

To let you understand,Tommys signing on day was a Thursday,which meant that his giro arrived on a Saturday,and with the giro being made out to Shuttlewood Post office,and with Tommy being rather fond of a drink,it was a mad mad rush to catch the post officebefore it closed at 12.30 for a half day.If there was any hold up he would have to wait until the Monday to cash the giro or even worse Tuesday,if the monday was a bank holiday.

Tommy really enjoyed his Saturday on the ****,it was not unusual for him to search the street looking for the postman early on Saturday morning.

Tommy was a 5 feet 2 inches in height ,but on giro day he was 10 foot tall.

Tommy was king of the world on giro day.

He would blow the whole lot on Saturday.On many occasions he confessed the only reason he was not a alcoholic was that he did not have the money to be one.

He planned to rectify the money situation with afew enterprising schemes.

This particular Monday evening I decided to call round to visit Tommy.

Joan ,who was Tommys neice,and her other half Michael,were already sitting in the living room.Tommy was in his usual chair,but tonight I was rather surprised to see that he had a beautiful brindled whippet bitch lying sleeping at his feet.

Tommy explained the situation.The whippet,who he had christened Lucky had been tied up outside the corner shop earlier on that day.He insisted that the dog had untied its own lead and followed him home.I thought this a bit of a

coinciidence,because only a week previously,after having read in the local paper that whippet pups were being sold for £25 ,Tommy had announced he was going to venture into the pet trade.

He was as proud as punch of his new pet,and had been doing his sums,He figured that when he found a mate for Lucky he would sell the pups for £25 each.His brain was going like a cash register.

"Just say they're racing dogs" was to be his sales pitch.

"racing dogs,like shit off a shovel these'll be"

He rubbed his hands together and licked his lips.

I imagined him picturing all those £25 worth of foaming pints of beer lined up before his eyes.

This was Monday,the giro was due on Saturday,'The Double Giro'.

Normally when the double giro came Tommy would go out on the **** all weekend,but he was adament that he was stopping boozing until the pups were born,And when the double giro came he was going to buy a load for Lucky and himself.

However there was a problem,with this weeks money already spent,how was he going to feed himself and Lucky till Saturday?

Joan and Michael were both broke and so was I.

Tommy owed alot of people money.So he thought he would tour the local butchers up the road for scraps,and then it would be a scrap for Lucky and one for Tommy.We all left around 11.30,a fine time for Tommy to walk Lucky,he only walked her at night ,and even then tied very tightly to his arm with a thick piece of rope.Perhaps he was scared she might run away,but more than likely he would be frightened of Lucky being spotted by her rightful owner.

Saturday was coming,the day of the double giro.

He changed his mind about stopping the drinking.He was going to buy fish&chips,and just have afew bottles of booze in the house on the Saturday.

He was still no further forward in finding a mate For Lucky to breed with.

On the Friday evening a couple of us gathered in Tommys house again.

My mate had come round with afew bottles of home brewed Elderberry wine,which was as strong as ought.

Tommy was obsessed with the thought of the pups.£££££££££He  thought that if he managed to find a mate for Lucky ,if she managed to produce alot of pups he would be quite well off.

we had a great night ,and was pissed out of our heads as per usual.We left Tommys quite late that night,I can just picture Tommy Standing at his door waving us goodbye.

The faithful Lucky at his side,tied to his arm very securely,like the goose that layed the golden egg.

Lucky wasn't so lucky when Saturday morning came though.

At about 10 am as I was approaching Tommys back door ,I could hear him shouting and swearing,also the dog barking and yelping.

Then Tommy came running outside like a raving lunatic.He was in a vile mood,he was raging.

The veins in his neck were nearly bursting,he had steam coming out of his ears.His eyeballs were sticking out like chapel hat pegs.he could hardly speak for anger,and looked on the verge of a nervous breakdown.He exploded and the tears were building up in his eyes.

Tommy screamed at me that while he lay in a drunken stupour,sleeping off the effects of last nights home brewed wine,the post manhad delivered the giro,the DOUBLE GIRO!two effing weeks,two effing weeks.Lucky must have thought  that the brown envelope lying on the front room carpet was a scrap of roast beef or chicken.She must have been so hungry because she had chewed Tommys giro into tiny shreds.

Tommy opened his hand and the shreds of his giro floated onto the carpet just like leaves falling from a tree in autumn

Tommy buried Lucky in his back garden the same day,saturday mid-afternoon.Poor Lucky!!

              THE END

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If things don't liven up on here, I will inflick Mr Riley on you (w00t)

 

[milly]

Coming very very soon, Tommy Riley reveals all the true facts of intrigue and espionage in the world of non-ped whippet racing. (w00t)

I was speaking to Tommy last night, and he tells me he's been offered a 5 figure sum for his story. :thumbsup:

Now who could turn that amount down, definately not Tommy o

Tommy warns me that people with a heart condtion or those easily shocked should not read this topic.

 

[milly]

Coming very very soon, Tommy Riley reveals all the true facts of intrigue and espionage in the world of non-ped whippet racing. (w00t) I was speaking to Tommy last night, and he tells me he's been offered a 5 figure sum for his story. :thumbsup:

Now who could turn that amount down, definately not Tommy o

Tommy warns me that people with a heart condtion or those easily shocked should not read this topic.

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ps. Tommy says he's open to bribes (must be at least 6 figures)

 

[milly]

Tommy as let me have a sneaky peek of the first chapter (w00t) :- "

Let me tell you, John le Carre's Tinker, Tailor, Soldier or even Donald Westlake's A Spy in the Ointment as got nothing on this. :sweating:

 

[daznsar]

:lol: u should deffo bring a book out geff it would fly off the shelfs :thumbsup:

 

[milly]

Tommy says did you realise that its the 8/8/2008, and it could be a special day for some of us (w00t) :sweating:

 

[milly]

Tommy's nearly ready with his next story (w00t) he's been working non stop on this one :sweating: he says, the reason for the delay, is that he caught someone peeping in his personal files 8) (w00t) but he's soon put a stop to that :thumbsup: :lol: Also he's sacked his agent (w00t)

o