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AnnSa said:
I bet you thought id forgotten today.....no such luck :lol:  

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.

- No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching us.

- You are right, lets go to the beach.

After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.

- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public.

- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.

- Don't worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.
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Haven't heard that one before, :lol: very good.
 
Honestyoninternet.jpg
 
Its doing the rounds all over the net :lol:
 
Q: What do you call a detective who solves crimes entirely by accident ................................................................................

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A: Sheer Luck Holmes ;)
 
Thats as bad as mine :D

 

 

 

 

 

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

 

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

 

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

 

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

 

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

 

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

 

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

 

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

 

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
 
Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

 

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

 

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
 
2009's First Christmas Joke

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

 

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

 

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

 

 

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

And So The Christmas Season

Begins......
 
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

 

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

 

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

 

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

 

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

 

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

 

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
 
AnnSa said:
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. 

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

 

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

 

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

 

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

 

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

 

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
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Like the 4th one best :lol:
 
milly said:
AnnSa said:
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. 

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

 

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

 

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

 

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

 

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

 

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Click to expand...
Like the 4th one best :lol:
Click to expand...
Are we thinking of the same person?
 
 

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

 

CANNIBAL:

Someone who is fed up with people.

 

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

 

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

 

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

 

GOSSIP:

Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

 

KLEENEX:

Cold Storage.

 

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

 

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

 

RAISIN:

Grape with a sunburn.

 

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

 

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

 

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

 

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

 

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

 

WRINKLES:

Something other people have. You have character lines.
 
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

 

 

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

 

 

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

 

 

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

 

 

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

 

 

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

 

 

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

 

 

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

 

 

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

 

 

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

 

 

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

 

 

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"
 
Two Pikeys get married. On the wedding night she says

''I've never had sex, please be gentle''

the groom goes outside to phone his father

'' she's a virgin da, what'll i do ?''

The father say's

''Come home lad, if she's not good enough for her own

family, she's not good enough for you.''
 
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A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

 

The bartender asks, "Hey, why are you drinking so fast?"

 

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

 

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

 

The guy says, "75p."
 
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