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Adult Joke...

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Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. one is crying. the other asks

what's wrong. the crying drunk says, "i've puked all over myself again and my

wife's gonna kill me. what do i do pal?"

The one drunk offers this advice: "explain to your wife that some other drunk

puked on you. put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk

was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sound like a great idea," says the crying drunk.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him

about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, "look for you, there's ten bucks

in my pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "wait a minute, i

thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," say the drunk, "but he s*** in my pants too!"
 
heard it before sarah.....but i did laugh :huggles:
 
The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!" (w00t)
 
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'

The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?' (w00t)
 
oh god sarah..............thats to long, cant be bothered to read it :- "

there for...............ITS NOT FUNNY :- "
 
:lol: NOW THAT WAS A GOOD ONE SARAH :thumbsup:
 
A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.

The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey nad leaves.

Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.

The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"

The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

(w00t)
 
Not too long ago I was awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door.

After I had slowly come to my senses, mustered the courage to go answer the

door. There on my porch was a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,

asking for a push.

"Not a chance" I said. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

Frustrated at the sleep I just lost; I closed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked my wife, as I crawled back under the dry covers.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," I answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and pouring outside."

"Well, you have a short memory," my wife said. "Can't you remember about three

months ago when we broke down and two guys helped us? I think you should help

him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

She was right. So I got up, dressed, and went out into the pounding rain.

"Hello, are you still there?" I called out into the dark, almost hoping there

would be no reply.

"Yes," a voice answered.

I sighed. "Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!"

"Where are you?" I asked.

"Over here, on the swing!" (w00t)
 
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy

him a drink.

"Why of course”, comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have

another round to Ireland."

"Of course”, replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin”, comes the reply.

"I can't believe it says the first man. “ I'm from Dublin too! Let's have

another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I

graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O’Malley twins are drunk again." (w00t)
 
A mushroom walks into a bar one evening, sits down, and orders a drink.

The bartender then informs him that they do not serve mushrooms.

"Why not?" asks the mushroom, "I'm a fungi!" (w00t)
 
pack it in sarah, they are just not funny :wacko:
 
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench, and orders a cold one. He swigs

down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and Orders another. He gulps down

that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This

goes on for at Least an hour and a half.

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my

business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the Whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe,

and order another one" routine?"

"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she

starts to look good, then it's time for me to Go home." (w00t)
 
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please”.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately

sip one, then the other, and then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them

cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're

low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia,

and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night

we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts

too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the

guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes

in and orders only two. He drinks them, and then orders two more. The bartender

sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry

that one of your brothers died”.

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking”. (w00t)
 
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and

says, ‘‘why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

that one really is crap :eek:
 
[SIZE=14pt]sarah i think its time you went to bed[/SIZE] :- "
 
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